


Tomorrow is just a day away

by aschicca



Series: Tomorrow Series [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Andromeda Tonks is just awesome, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dumbledore and Ted Tonks are still dead though, F/M, Fred is not mentioned so he might as well be still alive, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nymphadora Tonks Lives, POV Remus Lupin, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-Canon, References to the Veil, Remus Lupin Lives, Remus loves Tonks, Sirius Black Lives, Sirius is Remus's mate, Suicidal Thoughts, WolfStar Endgame, You Decide, and her daughter is too actually, and that's it, he just loves Sirius more, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 12:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18521371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aschicca/pseuds/aschicca
Summary: Voldemort is dead, the war is over. Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks made it out alive, well, and still together. What happens when Sirius Black comes back from the Veil?Or: Learn from Yesterday, be brave Today, and remember that Tomorrow is just a day away.





	Tomorrow is just a day away

**Author's Note:**

> The disclaimer is always the same: I don't own anything, I'm just playing with someone else's toys. Don't sue.  
> Thank you to my lovely Beta, Piksa, for her hard work and her counsel. All remaining mistakes are mine.
> 
> The picture of Sirius coming back from the Veil and finding Remus married to Tonks was what first drove me to this fandom. I longed to read fics that dealt with this subject but, alas, I didn't find many. I've read a few awesome ones but I craved more... so I wrote one myself.

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

The house was dark, door locked and blinds shut, and the silence surrounding it was broken only by the whistling of the wind. Remus sat on a chair on the porch and sighed, rubbing his tired eyes; he’d hoped Dora and Teddy would be back with Andromeda already, the three of them having spent the day at the Burrow’s while Remus opted out to catch up on some of the work he’d had to leave behind because of the full moon.

Conscious that he wouldn’t be allowed to isolate himself for too long, no matter how much he wanted to, Remus had agreed to meet his wife at Andromeda’s cottage for dinner, but apparently he’d miscalculated and apparated too early. The chill in the air was unpleasant, and Remus burrowed in his coat and scarf, unwilling to go inside when his mother-in-law wasn’t home yet unable to stop shivering. He debated with himself about sending out a Patronus to let his wife know he was waiting for her, but decided against it.

Being left out in the cold wasn’t exactly news for Remus, and it recently looked like he’d more than learned that lesson and started applying it to others, leaving them in the cold. One person, especially…

*

**_Yesterday_ **

_June 1998_

No more than a month after the Battle of Hogwarts, when bodies of friends and foe were buried, and people started to believe the war might actually be over for good this time, somebody knocked at the door of Remus’s house, and tilted his world off its axis.

The whirlwind that followed threw many lives into chaos, and there were tears, screams, hugs, laughter, and an incredible amount of questions many of which would forever remain unanswered. One thing was clear though: Sirius Black was alive.

Whatever Voldemort had done to the Veil, whatever magic he’d intended to use to turn it into a tool at his disposal, had vanished as soon as Harry killed him thus releasing the man who hadn’t died but been held captive, once more through no fault of his own, in stasis for years. Sirius had no memory of his time in the Veil, or so he said, and when ministry officials, Aurors, and the newly appointed Minister of Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt, were finally satisfied with the few answers Sirius had been able to give them, Remus found himself in his sitting room looking on as Harry hugged Sirius for the fourth time in the past few minutes.

“I can’t believe you’re really here…” Harry mumbled, face smashed in the fabric of Sirius’s jacket. It was the same jacket, Remus thought startled, that he’d been wearing in the Death Chamber of the Department of Mysteries the night he died… 

_’Only he didn’t die, did he?’_ Remus mused, amazement and bitterness at war inside of him.

Remus watched as Sirius’s hands tightened in Harry’s shirt, and Sirius’s voice was rough when he replied. “I know, I’m… sorry, Harry. So sorry I wasn’t here to help. I always seem to go missing whenever you need me the most, don’t I?” Sirius finished, a sad smile on his face.

“No, no! You’re here now, you’re back, I… I don’t care about anything else.”

Knowing that, if he didn’t interrupt, the two of them would go on all night with Sirius apologizing and Harry comforting, Remus cleared his throat and watched Harry step back from the embrace.

“Sorry, Prof… uhm Remus,” Harry said, looking at Remus. “I know it’s late and we should leave you in peace. I just thought… uhm… Well, Sirius needs to be checked out in St. Mungo’s now, but…” Harry stopped to look back at Sirius, and Remus wasn’t surprised to see a grimace on his old friend’s handsome face – the bastard spent two years as nothing more than a corpse in the Veil and of course he came out looking like a model, because that was Remus’s life.

“I don’t think I need…” Sirius started, but a look from Remus stopped him and he sighed. “Okay, I promised the Minister I’d go and I’m going. Just my luck that bloody Kingsley is Minister of Magic now, innit?”

Harry smiled. “Better than both his predecessors, if you ask me,” he said, and Remus couldn’t help but agree. “Anyway, as I was saying, Sirius will have to stay in hospital for a while but later I… I was thinking… Well, he can’t stay here with you so maybe… Would you want to live with me, Sirius?” Harry asked, tentatively.

“Why can’t we both stay here with Moony?” Sirius asked, and Remus could clearly see Harry’s eyes widening at that.

Remus hadn’t been able to go near Sirius all night, having been relegated to a corner of his own bloody sitting room while everyone else in the whole world had a go at Sirius, and now he really needed to have five minutes alone with him, and talk. Of course, since nothing in Remus’s life could go according to even the most tentative of plans, Dora chose that exact moment to apparate in the house.

“Remus! Sweetheart, I just heard! Is it true? Is Sirius really back?” She asked, agitated and hopeful.

While speaking, Dora kept her eyes fixed on Remus but he clearly saw Sirius mouthing ‘sweetheart?’ with a puzzled expression on his face while Harry nodded, wary. Remus wanted to say something but Dora was still speaking.

“… and so I left Teddy with mum, and came straight back home. I can’t believe they decided to use our house for this, and no one thought to tell me immediately! Mum and I had to hear it from Molly! But where is Sirius now?”

Remus pointed at Sirius, and Dora turned around and threw herself in her cousin’s arms. Sirius held her, made shushing noises when she started to cry a bit, and ignored Harry’s concerned stare. His eyes were fixed on Remus’s left hand, and the ring there that shone even in the dim light.

“Oh,” was everything Sirius had to say on the matter.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

“Remus?” 

“What? Oh, hello Andromeda,” Remus said, looking up at his mother-in-law. “I was waiting for you to come back, but I must have been lost in thought just now and I didn’t hear you.”

“That’s quite alright, dear, but why didn’t you just go inside? It’s freezing tonight!”

“Oh no, I couldn’t…” Remus started, but stopped when he realised that Andromeda was alone. “Where’s Dora, and Teddy?” 

“Teddy was still asleep when I left, and Nymphadora didn’t want to wake him up and have him grumpy all evening, so they stayed with the Weasleys and, if I know Molly, they’ll be there for dinner too,” Andromeda explained.

“Okay,” Remus said. “Then maybe I should go and…”

“Nonsense, you come in, get warm and I’ll get started on dinner for us.”

Knowing there was no arguing with Andromeda once she’d decided something, Remus silently acquiesced and followed her inside. The fire in the kitchen was lit with just a flick of her wand, and Andromeda gestured for Remus to sit by it while she put the kettle on.

“It’s good to see you, Remus,” Andromeda said, smiling.

“You too. I’m sorry it’s been a while since I came to visit you, it’s just been a rough… well… few months at the very least,” Remus answered.

Andromeda nodded but didn’t reply, and Remus tried to think of a safe topic of conversation, but those were scarce when you were talking with your mother-in-law who also happened to be the cousin of the man you’d loved since you were a snotty nosed kid.

When Andromeda put a steamy mug of tea in his hands, Remus was instantly grateful for the chance to busy himself with it and delay the conversation. If he was lucky, Remus thought, he might even be able to get out of there without spilling something he’d had on the tip of his tongue for days now, and was struggling to keep in.

“We used to talk about everything and anything you and I, do you remember?” Andromeda asked, and Remus nodded. “I wanted to say… I want you to know that you can still do that. With me. That I’ll gladly listen to you, and try to be as objective as I can.”

“How…” Remus started.

“I know you, Remus. And I know my daughter. I’ve been hoping you’d decide to come talk to me one day, and if I have to be honest with you, I might have planned to leave Nymphadora and Teddy at the Burrow’s tonight so you and I could have dinner alone. And talk.”

Remus closed his eyes, relief warring with apprehension, and he took a deep breath steadying himself against everything he needed to say and that he could now feel pouring out of him.

Eyes open once more and fixed on Andromeda’s kind ones, Remus talked. “The first thing I want you to know, that I need you to know, is that I love Dora. I do. I love her, and I adore Teddy. He’s my son, my miracle, and she… She saved my life. I will always love her.”

*  
**_Yesterday_**

_June 1996 – June 1997_

Remus didn’t know whether he’d be able to do it but he had decided to try. He would wait, fight, and be useful to Harry, and then finally he would allow himself to go out in a blaze of glory… Or not, it didn’t even matter: all Remus wanted was to die and be reunited with Sirius. He couldn’t deny that he’d thought to throw himself into the Veil many a time, but Remus knew that he owed it to Sirius, and to James and Lily, to be there for Harry every day of his life until the very end, and he’d desisted. Of course, the wolf could decide to take matters into its own claws and grant Remus his wish anytime, but that hadn’t happened until now so Remus held on.

Staying alive to help Harry didn’t mean Remus had to take care of himself, however. Eating was a chore and everything, even his beloved chocolate, tasted like ashes in his mouth. Keeping up appearances while still being sent now and then to negotiate with werewolves was useless, and Remus didn’t even attempt it. Dodging everyone’s concern had always been one of Remus’s best skills, and he’d refined it lately. If he had to be a player in the war and sacrifice himself for Harry, Remus didn’t need to do anything else than stay alive long enough.

Everything Remus could feel was pain. He missed Sirius so much that even thinking about him caught his breath in his throat and threatened to choke him. For a few precious months, Remus had Sirius back, and he had the chance to make things right with him, apologize, forgive and be forgiven… Love Sirius with every fibre of his being. Even stuck in Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, with Walburga’s portrait shouting abuse at him and Kreacher glaring every time he’d entered a room, Remus had been happy. Not perfectly happy, no, not with Sirius’s frustration at being kept from actively helping Harry and the Order; not with Sirius’s haunted eyes and frightening nightmares, and certainly not with the ghosts of all the awful things that had happened to Sirius in that house coming to life now that they were stuck there.

Still, Remus had Sirius with him, he could see him, talk to him, comfort him and be comforted, hold him and kiss him, make love to him and drink in his moans, hear him whisper ‘Moony’ with a sultry voice. While far from perfect, it had still been enough to make Remus’s life better. And now it was gone. _Sirius_ was gone, dead, vanished. Sirius had left him behind, again, breaking Remus’s heart in a million tiny pieces and this time, Remus knew, nothing could ever mend it. There was nothing for Remus anymore. Only pain.

Remus’s eyes were unseeing while he crossed the street one day, months after the Veil had stolen Remus’s life along with Sirius’s, and if he’d still been anything other than a shadow, he might have realised how dangerous that was: to not be alert when there were Death Eaters out for his blood. As it was, no Death Eater caught Remus unaware that day, but someone else did.

Tonks found him, she brought him home, she took care of him, made sure he ate, that he slept, and she was still there the following day. Remus didn’t want her there, but she refused to leave, she kept coming back, didn’t leave him alone. She kept trying, even when he pleaded with her to let him be, even when he shouted and demanded she left. 

And she talked. Remus didn’t want to speak, scared that the only words out of his mouth would just be an endless repetition of Sirius’s name, but Tonks didn’t wait for him to be part of the conversation: she spoke and spoke and spoke. And suddenly Remus was up to date with many people’s lives, knew all the latest gossips, mourned silently the loss of good people, and laughed. He laughed when Tonks recalled a particularly tasking mission under Moody’s supervision ( _“…and he kept saying that the marble statue in the garden was looking at him suspiciously! He had us check and re-check it for curses and then he simply went over and smashed it!”_ ), he laughed when she told him how Andromeda had decided to move the umbrella stand slightly to the left so Tonks wouldn’t bump into it as she usually did, and how Tonks had thought to adjust her walk the last time she’d been at her mum’s house and… bumped straight into the stand. 

His weren’t happy laughs, Remus was well aware. He chuckled, he let out snorts, sometimes his shoulders shook in silent laughter, and though every single time they surprised him, they were never happy, or joyful, or carefree. All the same, Remus laughed. 

When Tonks told him that her feelings for him had changed, that she felt like she loved him, Remus panicked. He didn’t think he could go back to how his life had been before Tonks had made it her mission to take care of him, but he also didn’t want to take advantage of her. Remus wasn’t good for Tonks, he would never be good enough for any woman – werewolf, unemployed, old and grey… In love with his best friend, his very male, very _dead_ best friend… – and he knew that, no matter how much he cared for Tonks, he had to keep her at arm’s length. It hurt, being without her; it hurt seeing her wither every time he sent her away and refused her. It even hurt hearing Molly Weasley plan to place Tonks in Bill’s path so that he might dump Fleur and be with her. 

Remus could plainly see himself giving in to Tonks: she was beautiful, vibrant, young. Alive. She had effectively saved Remus’s sanity, if not his life because he was sure he’d have keeled over sooner or later had he continued on the path he’d been on. Any man would be lucky to have a woman like her, but she deserved so much better than Remus’s broken, defective, shrivelled heart. Yet, she wanted him, she kept saying so, she kept coming and telling him that she loved him. 

After Dumbledore died, and Bill Weasley was attacked by Greyback prompting Fleur to declare her love for him without reserves, and giving way to Tonks to ask Remus once more why she couldn’t be allowed to know her own heart, Remus knew he’d have to talk to her and explain why she shouldn’t want to be with him.  


Tonks’s lovely eyes looked at him from the sofa where she sat, and she waited for Remus to speak. He decided she deserved nothing but the entire, bitter truth, and he didn’t even try to filter it.

“I’ve loved Sirius my entire life. We were fourteen years old the first time I remember looking at him and thinking I wanted to be more than just his friend. For the longest time, I didn’t think my feelings would ever be returned, but I was grateful to just be in his life however he wanted me. When he…” Remus’s voice failed him and he had to stop and swallow around the knot in his throat.

Eyes glistening, Tonks waited for him to find his composure again.

“When Sirius told me that he loved me, I… I just gave myself to him and took him for my own with no intention of ever letting him go. We had just a few years, not all happy mind, but we had them and we were together. Then… Then James, and Lily, and Peter, and… Azkaban. I thought… I was so wrong, Tonks, I was so so wrong. I let him rot there, thinking he deserved it, that I’d been taken in and I’d loved a lie, a fraud. And he was…” Remus choked on the last words.

Tonks got up, and Remus could hear her rummaging in his kitchen. When she came back carrying a glass of water, he took it gratefully and gulped it down.

“Can I just…” Tonks said, having sat back down on the sofa. “I know I told you I wouldn’t interrupt, and I want to keep my word, but I need to say that Sirius never blamed you for believing he was the spy.” Remus opened his mouth to reply, but Tonks went on, “No, listen. I know! I apologized to him many times for the same thing, and mum did too, but Sirius never wanted to hear it. He said he wasn’t angry or disappointed, and that he was just glad we knew the truth now. He felt that for us, Remus. I can only imagine how easy it must have been for him to feel the same for you. It might not help with your guilt, or my own, but at least we know Sirius didn’t condemn us for not seeing it sooner.”

Remus sighed, nodded his thanks, and put the glass down on the table. He sat close to Tonks and tried to find his words again. 

“Thing is, even when I thought he was guilty, I never stopped loving him. I hated myself for it, and I tried to hate him too, but I never could. Sirius was a part of me and hating him would be like hating an arm or a leg… Actually, that’s how he felt to me when he was in Azkaban: a missing limb. One that returned to me after twelve years and became even more essential than before. Sirius and I… we… well…”

“You two were together again, I know,” Tonks finished for him. “Mum… She said that Sirius wrote to her and talked about you, both before and after Azkaban, and that the way he did it was always the same… Mum always could tell from his letters how much he loved you, and how much he was loved in return. I know you and Sirius were together when he died…”

“So you see…” Remus said. “You see why… I mean, everything else is true too. I’m too old, too worn out. I’m poor and I have no hope of finding a good job in the future. I’m a werewolf… dangerous, dark… and… No, no let me finish okay? I am all that, and I know you say you don’t care but you can’t deny it, Tonks. That’s what I am. And on top of all that, if it wasn’t enough already, I’m in love with a dead man, have been all my life, probably will be after I die. The limb is missing again, and my heart is all but broken. How can you want someone like me? Why would you even?”

“Remus,” Tonks said, and Remus felt undeserving of the sweetness in her voice. “I always knew all that, don’t you think I knew? I was there, wasn’t I? I saw the two of you together, moving like you were used to share the same space, talking with looks and grins. I know you love Sirius, and I love him so much too. But he… He’s gone, and you’re still here. You deserve to find happiness again, and I want to give that to you. Well, I also want to give it to myself because I love you, so don’t go thinking I’m this selfless little woman who just wants to be there for a man. I’m well aware of what I want and I’ll do what I can to get it.” 

Remus gave a little chuckle at Tonks’s words, and saw her smile back at him before continuing. “I don’t care about the money, I don’t care that you’re a werewolf… Well, I do but you know, not because of the danger so quit the whole ‘oh, I’m such a dark creature, be scared of me little girl’ bollocks, eh? And you might be older than me but you’re still quite fit,” Tonks winked, and Remus blushed. “As for Sirius, you keep him in your heart, and I’ll keep him in mine, okay? Just… Remus, if you don’t love me, say so and I promise I’ll leave you alone. But if you do… Can we just get on with it?”

Remus laughed and leaned in to kiss the cheeky smile off Tonks’s face. Too tired to keep fighting this, too selfish to send her away again, too broken to be able to resist the lifeline she was throwing him, Remus took what she offered and held her close.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

“She is so easy to love,” Remus said. “I resisted her at first, you know that. I rejected her, pushed her away, gave her every reason to want nothing to do with me despite the fact that I couldn’t have gone on without her by then. But Dora is a force of nature and she wouldn’t be denied; she knew what she wanted and nothing could change her mind… She’s a whirlwind and, by the end of it, I was more than willing to be swept in by her.” Remus smiled at Andromeda, and she returned it, nodding.

“Yes, that is my Nymphadora,” she said, the smile soon replaced by a slight frown. “I won’t lie to you, I had my doubts at first. And not because you’re a werewolf, Remus, that should go without saying. I just didn’t think you could ever love her as she deserved, and I was worried. You’re a good man, and I can see how much you care for my daughter. But…” 

Remus looked down at that, “You were right,” he whispered.

“Remus…”

“No, I… I mean, I love her, I do. Not as she deserves, not as she should be loved by me. I tried, I gave her all I had, I still am. Problem was I didn’t have much to offer to begin with.”

*

**_Yesterday_ **

_September 1998_

Two months after Sirius returned from the Veil, Remus apparated right outside the house where Sirius and Harry lived. The day was still quite warm, the sun was shining, and Remus stopped for a moment to take in the beauty of the garden surrounding the house. With his possessions reinstated, and his reputation and name cleared by the pardon he’d received after returning from his supposed death, Sirius was once again quite a wealthy man and the house he and Harry had chosen to buy reflected that perfectly.

Remus appreciated the view, and basked a little in the sun, bones still aching from a recent full moon, then moved towards the door. Voices from an open window reached him, and Remus stopped to listen.

“…would you like me to say, Harry, uh? What?”

“Anything! You just sit here, day after day, and I can’t stand it anymore! Honestly, talk to me, Sirius!” 

Remus could clearly hear the distress in Harry’s voice and he knew he should make his presence known, maybe try and help with whatever the problem was, but his feet refused to move and his ears strained to hear better.

“I know,” Harry was saying now. “I know it must be hard for you, coming back and finding everything changed. But you…”

“At times I think,” Sirius interrupted, “that it would have been better if I didn’t. Come back, that is. Should’ve stayed, should’ve…”

“No!” Harry screamed, echoing the way Remus’s own heart was screaming at Sirius’s words. “How can you say that? To me, of all people? How can you even…”  


Harry’s voice broke, and Remus unconsciously moved towards the window so he could see what was happening in the room. Harry’s shoulders were slumped, and he looked crushed by the weight of Sirius’s careless statement. Remus could perfectly relate and he fought to keep a low, pained whine from escaping his mouth. 

Inside the house, Sirius walked towards Harry and held him tightly close. “I’m sorry,” he said. “That’s not… I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t want to be back, to be here with you. I _chose_ this, Harry, I chose you,” Sirius firmly stated, and Harry stood back and looked up at him.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked, and Remus waited with bathed breath to hear the answer.

“It’s true that I don’t remember much about the Veil, I didn’t lie,” Sirius started, taking Harry’s hand and walking him towards an armchair where he made Harry sit, before kneeling down in front of him. Their new position gave Remus a perfect view of both their profiles, while still keeping him out of their line of sight. 

“The last thing I remember clearly while falling through the Veil is the look on your face, and Moony’s.” Sirius said. “Then there’s… Nothing. A distant feeling of floating, of being wrapped in cotton wool but not much else. Until… _something_ shook, the very core of the Veil trembled, and I heard a murmur, a question. I was offered a choice and, knowing what I know now I think had Voldemort not been defeated by then, that offer would have been quite different and a lot more grim. As it is, I simply had to decide if I wanted to move on or return to you.”

Harry’s face held all the shock Remus could feel in himself too, and they both kept their eyes fixed on Sirius while he recalled the fateful choice he’d made.  


“I’m not sure if I could have taken my time or if whatever entity was posing the question would want my answer immediately. What I do know is that I replied by instinct, the memory of you and Moony the only clear thing in my mind, and just a second later I stepped through the Veil. It was you, Harry, the thought of being able to come back and see you again, that’s what drove me and that’s why I’m here now. How could I ever regret that? I don’t!” Sirius pleaded, passionately.

Harry nodded, clearly relieved, but Remus saw him holding back and waiting for Sirius to finish explain himself.

“I don’t regret the outcome, but there are times when I can’t help but feel like, had things stayed the same, had I stopped myself from reacting by instinct, had I stayed behind, all of your lives would have gone on smoothly anyway. You wouldn’t have to stay here and take care of me, for example. No, Harry, let me say this… You should have spent more time this Summer with Ginny before she went go back to Hogwarts; you should be with your friends now, and not just see them when you’re all privately training together to pass your N.E.W.T.s. You should be out there, _live_ , no one deserves it more than you. This is what you fought for, this is your time, and I feel like I’m holding you back…”

“Sirius, please…” Harry interjected. “You’re my family, you’re the only family I have left… Everything I’m doing for you, with you… I want this! You know I have wanted to live with you, in a house in the country where you could see the sky, ever since you first asked me to move in with you at the Willow. This is exactly where I should be, where I’ve wanted to be all along. You’re not holding me back, you’re giving me what you promised: us, together, a proper family.” 

Remus felt tears rolling down his cheeks and marvelled once more at how much of Lily’s heart Harry had in himself. The boy looked so much like James it would be easy to think them twins instead of father and son, but his innate goodness, his soul, his heart… That was all Lily. Wiping away the tears, Remus returned his attention back to Harry’s heartfelt declaration.

“You chose me, Sirius, and you came back. Let me choose you too now, and be here… Only, don’t shut me out, okay? Talk to me, let me help. What good is to always be the sodding ‘Chosen One’ if I can’t do what I want with it?” Harry joked, and Sirius laughed out loud.

“Okay, smartarse,” Sirius shot back, evidently moved by Harry’s words but still grinning up at him. “I’ll open up my Black heart to you and spill out my secrets.”

Remus grinned watching Harry try and fail to hit Sirius, but the grin died on his face when Harry spoke again.

“I know this is about Remus,” Harry said. “I know you…”

“You do, uh?” Sirius asked, interrupting. “I’m not going to ask how you know, alright? Some things are better left unsaid. But what do you mean by ‘this’ being about Remus?”

“‘S just that I can see it, how you look when he leaves after spending some time here with you, how you try not to stare at him when you’re in the same room with him and Tonks… How you always call him Moony when you’re with me but rarely to his face lately, and never when Tonks is around. Sirius… I know it can’t be easy that…”

“What? That he fucked off and married my cousin three minutes after I was gone?” Sirius asked, darkly. “Nope, not easy at all.”

Remus hated the tone of Sirius’s voice, and what right had he to be pissed off about Remus marrying Dora? Sirius was bloody well dead! He’d gone, left him alone, and Remus would have died if Dora hadn’t been there! What did Sirius know about his pain? Remus clenched his fists, anger and sorrow making his whole body tremble, and he almost missed the rest of Sirius’s speech.

“… better for him, surely. I can see he’s struggling, Moony is, and if I’d stayed behind he wouldn’t have to, he’d be happy with his wife and his son. You can’t tell me I’m wrong, Harry, you have to see how Remus and Tonks would be better off without me around. And yet here I am, soaking up the time Remus should be spending with his infant child, gazing at my cousin’s husband, straining things for them with each passing day.” 

“I’m so sorry, Padfoot,” Harry said, the use of the nickname an obvious attempt to soothe his Godfather. And maybe even to make him feel like James Potter had been the one to utter those words, Remus thought. “Maybe you should just give it a bit of time, it’s an adjustment, but I doubt Remus will ever want you to stay away from him, and I know for sure he wouldn’t have wanted you to stay dead. He was… When we thought you were dead, Remus was devastated. I didn’t see much of him, to be honest, but when we crossed paths he scared me. It was almost… Almost like it was full moon every single day.”

Remus realised he’d been nodding along with Harry’s very apt description, and that he’d lowered his head feeling Harry’s words hit him like a physical blow, so he looked up again and found himself captivated by the tears in Sirius’s eyes.

“So that’s what I should do?” Sirius asked. “Let Moony and Tonks set the pace, be still and wait while they decide how much of his time I’m worth? Sit calmly and watch while I lose Remus more every second?”

“They have a son, Sirius,” Harry answered, gravely. “Teddy deserves to have his parents at least try to keep their family together. And I know you don’t want to hear it, Sirius, but Remus and Tonks… They love each other. They do and… I know, I… can see that Remus loves you too but she’s his wife. She comes first now, but this doesn’t mean you have no place in Remus’s life. You just need to compromise.”

“I would ask who died and made you the voice of reason but I’m afraid the Veil and I both know the answer to that so I won’t,” Sirius said, acknowledging the truth in Harry’s words but unable to resist defusing the tension with a joke.

“When were you _ever_ the voice of reason? Like, name one time,” Harry shot back, and laughed at his Godfather’s outraged protest.

Turning away from the window, Remus hugged himself tightly, the sun no longer enough to warm the chill in his bones. Once more, Harry had hit the nail on the head: Dora was his wife, Teddy needed his father, and Remus loved them both fiercely. Everything that he felt for Sirius, everything that he wished he could do with him, to him, whenever they were in close proximity, had to be put aside and Remus needed to find his way back to being just Sirius’s friend.

Sirius’s soft thank you was the very last thing Remus heard before he fixed in his mind the picture of his and Dora’s house and disapparated.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

Andromeda took Remus’s hand in hers, her eyes were gentle and her voice soft when she asked, “Is it Sirius? He’s the reason why you couldn’t give yourself fully to my daughter, isn’t he?”

Remus squeezed her hand, eyes pained. “Isn’t it always about Sirius with me? Have you ever known me to be anything but Sirius’s ever since you first met me? I was his when we were stupid kids pranking half the school; I was his when I thought he’d killed everyone I’d ever loved; I was his when he was dead and I didn’t even have a body to bury or a grave to go visit and talk with. I didn’t stop belonging to him when I married Dora, and she knew that, she said she accepted that. Yet, this, all this, it doesn’t mean I don’t love your daughter, that I didn’t try, because that’s all I’ve been doing since Sirius came back.”

“Part of me would like to kick you in the bollocks, just so you know,” Andromeda deadpanned, startling a laugh out of Remus. “It would be so easy if I didn’t love you, and my blasted cousin, as much as I do. It would be great be able to get out my wand and use it on both of you for putting my Nymphadora through this. But I can’t, can I? And not only because my daughter went into this with eyes wide open and knew perfectly well she’d never have all of you even if Sirius had stayed dead. But because… You’re a good man, Remus, and you never lied to her. I know you tried but now I need you to be honest, now it’s time for you to pick a side and stick with it. Or, this time, I won’t have any problems hexing you six ways to Sunday.”

Remus nodded. “Do you know – and I say this knowing full well that you might decide I deserve that kick after all – but do you know I thought I would die? That’s why I was still keeping myself alive after Sirius fell through the Veil. I needed to die doing something for Harry and so I went on, but I never thought I would survive the war, not even after Dora and I married, not even when Teddy was born. I cast and kept on my shoulders every single concealment charm I could think of to keep them safe, to make sure Dora and my son would make it through, but I never believed I’d be with them afterwards. Surviving the battle at Hogwarts was a shock to me, I wasn’t prepared, and I had no idea how to go on.”

Remus took a deep breath and could see pity and sorrow in Andromeda’s eyes. He thought, not for the first time, that he didn’t deserve the kindness of this amazing woman and that she definitely didn’t deserve to be the one he unloaded all of his pain on. Yet, he couldn’t stop. The gates had opened and Remus knew everything would soon be let out.

“Would I have learned to live in this new world, to be Dora’s doting husband and Teddy’s loving father, if Sirius hadn’t come back? I don’t know, and now I never will. As things stand, I know I did all I could to keep my family together. Dora and I… We gave all we had, we did and we still are, but…”

“But,” Andromeda interjected, “you stretched yourself too thin trying to keep my daughter happy and keep your distance from Sirius, while at the same time straining to catch even a glimpse of him time and again. Have you finally snapped, Remus?”

A single tear left Remus’s eye, “I’ve been patching myself up for weeks now,” he said. “I’m afraid I don’t know how to do it anymore. Not after… He was hurt, Andromeda! He was in hospital for a week and I didn’t even know…”

*

**_Yesterday_ **

_December 1999_

On a Sunday just before Christmas, Remus found himself having tea at the Burrow’s. Fleur had both Teddy and Victoire in the nursery trying to keep them entertained – and tire them out enough to get them to take a nap so the adults could eat in peace – and Dora was helping Molly with the food.

“Where’s Harry?” Remus heard Arthur ask Ginny, who’d arrived home for the holidays just a day before, and her answer puzzled him.

“Home. He might pop by for a while later but I wouldn’t count on it,” Ginny said.

“What?” Molly called from the kitchen. “Why wouldn’t Harry come?”

“Don’t, mum,” Ron whispered, but Molly glared at him before staring back at Ginny waiting for her answer.

Remus was incredibly surprised when Ginny threw a glance at him before she answered. Surely he wasn’t the reason why Harry didn’t want to spend time with the Weasleys? Remus knew things with Sirius weren’t in a very good place and that Harry wasn’t happy that Remus hadn’t seen Sirius in more than a month – not that Remus was any happier about it, but he’d made a promise and was keeping it. Still, this couldn’t justify Harry missing time with his girlfriend and best friends.

Sighing, Ginny started, “It’s because…”

“Ginny!” Hermione shushed, and Ron enforced it by shaking his head frantically. 

“I don’t care, I’m saying it!” Ginny declared. “Sirius was hurt and he’s just been released from St. Mungo’s two days ago. Harry doesn’t want to leave him alone too long yet, so that’s why he’s not coming.”

The chaos that followed Ginny’s words would have been funny to a casual observer, with everybody shouting variations of “What??” and “Is he okay?” and “What happened?”. Remus’s heart skipped a bit and he didn’t think he’d ever heard anything less funny.

“Ginny,” Remus said, and suddenly everyone else stopped speaking. “Can you tell me what happened, please?”

“Well, you know Sirius is working for the Ministry now, right?” And yes, Remus knew that. Sirius wasn’t actually part of the Ministry but Kingsley had offered him some sort of freelance position investigating Cursed Objects for them. Sirius’s talents with the Dark Arts and with Transfiguration made him the perfect candidate for the job; plus it meant that he could travel and not stay cooped up at home driving Harry bonkers.

“Okay so,” Ginny continued after Remus, and everyone else, nodded. “They sent him to Ireland to take care of an ancient cursed vase that seemed to petrify anyone who came in close proximity with it, and there was an incident. Harry didn’t share all the details with me, but apparently a little girl walked into the room while Sirius was working on the vase and ran towards it. Sirius had to grab the vase to keep it out of the child’s hands or she would have died and… Well, he got hit with the curse.”

Remus felt his legs give and he leaned against the wall, only partially aware of Dora running to him to help steadying him.

“But is he… uhm… Ginny, is Sirius…” Remus tried and failed to ask.

“Yes, he’s okay! He was flooed to St. Mungo’s immediately and they took good care of him there. He was in the hospital for a week, I believe, but he’s home now and he’s fine. Only, Harry keeps fussing and Sirius doesn’t want to tell him to leave him be… you know those two.”

Remus chanced a smile but he felt it more like a grimace on his face. “Why… Ginny, do you know why they didn’t tell me? Why wasn’t I informed about Sirius being in hospital?”

“Uhm…” Ginny stalled, eyes darting towards her brother, but Ron just put up his hands as if to say ‘You opened this can of worms yourself and I want no part of it now!’ Hermione was no help either, since she kept glancing back and forth from Remus to Ginny, so in the end Ginny had no choice but to answer. “At first there wasn’t time to call anyone because things happened pretty fast and Harry didn’t even tell me or Ron. Afterwards, when Sirius woke up he… Well, he said not to tell you. He didn’t want to bother you with it, and Harry agreed.”

“I can’t believe it!” Molly yelled. “Ginny Weasley! How could you not tell me? You don’t keep these things to yourself! And you, Ronald Weasley! Don’t believe for a second I’m not blaming you too!”

"Me?” Ron shouted. “Why not Harry then? Or Hermione! She knew, too!”

Biting back the urge to growl, Remus tried to interrupt what had the potential of escalating to a pointless fight, but before he could mutter a single word Ginny spoke again, and her words were like ice on Remus’s nerves.

“We didn’t think you’d care!” Ginny yelled, and everybody looked at her in shock. Remus couldn’t help the shiver the ran down his back. “Don’t look at me like that, mum! You never have a kind word for Sirius, don’t imagine Harry doesn’t see that! Or Sirius! Why would they want you there while Sirius was recuperating? And all of you,” Ginny continued, looking away from the guilty, pained expression on her mother’s face. “Even you, Remus. You don’t even give Sirius the time of day lately, why would you think you’d be the first person he or Harry would call in an emergency?”

Wondering for a second if this had been how Sirius himself had felt when he’d picked up the cursed vase, Remus couldn’t do much else than stand there and try to steady his breath.

Dora was talking to him, Remus could hear her voice but her words didn’t register. In his mind, Sirius was lying in a hospital bed, his life in danger once more, and Remus none the wiser.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

“Ugh! Don’t even get me started on that!” Andromeda said, exasperated. “Sirius didn’t even tell me! Unbelievable pillock that he is!”

Remus chuckled despite himself. “I heard you gave him a piece of your mind about that… I didn’t see Harry that scared since he last faced a Dementor!”

“Oh, you have no idea. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say that those two will think twice before pulling anything like that again. Next time, Merlin forbid there’s one of course, I will be immediately informed.” 

“Well, that’ll be one of us, then,” Remus commented, disconsolate.

“Remus…”

“No, it’s not… I get it, I do. It’s not like I had any right to expect anything different.”

“You were doing what Nymphadora asked of you, and limiting the time you spent with Sirius.” Andromeda justified for him. “Although, I must admit, I never knew the details about that request. My daughter wasn’t forthcoming, and I didn’t want to insist. What exactly happened for her to put her foot down like that? Because, honestly, it doesn’t sound like her…”

“It was my fault,” Remus confessed. “The full moon, it’s… Well let’s just say I can’t always control my reactions the morning after, especially if I have Padfoot with me…”

*

**_Yesterday_ **

_January 1999_

Opening his eyes that morning, Remus painfully shifted on the rough pallet placed on the floor of the warded cellar he and Dora had added to the house; he was naked but didn’t feel the cold because a big, black dog was lying in front of him sharing his warmth with him. Remus’s hand clenched in the dog’s fur, and he concentrated on breathing while he rode out the pain of the transformation. 

The full moon seemed to have gone by without any lasting problems and, aside from the ache in his bones and the pounding of his head, Remus wasn’t feeling that badly. The wolfsbane helped keeping the wolf docile, making sure it slept for most of the night, but Remus knew that having Padfoot with him was definitely the biggest help. Sighing, Remus kept stroking the dog’s fur hiding his face in it, and murmuring soft words of thanks.

“Will you shift back?” Remus asked, and just a moment later his hand was grasping at Sirius’s robe. 

“Alright?” Sirius asked softly.

“Yes,” Remus replied, and instinctively hugged him close and inhaled deeply. 

“Moony…” Sirius started, but Remus wasn’t ready to talk. His defences low, Remus just wanted, needed, to hold Sirius close and surround himself with his scent. 

Nosing Sirius’s neck, and rubbing his forehead all over the back of Sirius’s head and on his shoulders, Remus shook his head and refused to think of anything that wasn’t the man he loved, alive and in his arms again. Pressing thoughts of obligations and different kinds of love were pushed at the back of his mind, and Remus simply revelled in the moment where nothing mattered but the two of them.

The sound of the door opening didn’t register in Remus’s ears, and it was only when he felt Sirius stiffen in his arms that he opened his eyes to see what had disturbed him. Meeting Dora’s unhappy expression was a shock, and Remus released Sirius immediately.

“I…” Remus started, but Sirius chose that same moment to get up and throw a sheet on Remus’s body.

“Morning, Tonks,” Sirius said, and Remus could clearly see the challenge in his eyes.

“Sirius,” Dora answered, coldly. “Thank you for your help, but I can see to my husband’s needs now.” She finished, motioning to the door.

“I don’t think I should go, yet,” Sirius said. “I think…”

Remus couldn’t let this go any further so he sat up, wrapped himself in the sheet, and spoke over Sirius. 

“Dora is right, Padfoot. Thank you, honestly, but you can go now. Harry’s waiting for you, remember? I’m fine, I promise, and I will see you later, okay?” Remus offered, a conciliatory expression on his face and a plea in his tone.

“Remus…”

“Padfoot, please,” Remus said, and nodded towards the door.

“Fine,” Sirius pouted, and without another look at Dora, he left.

Remus tried to smile at his wife, to defuse the tension and maybe in the hope that they could postpone the inevitable discussion about what she’d witnessed, but he could see she wasn’t having it.

“Remus,” Dora said, resolutely. “I’m not sure…”

“My dear, can this wait, please? I’m naked and I still need to have my potions. Would you mind helping me out of here and up the stairs?” Remus interrupted her.

He could clearly see the frown on his wife’s face, but Dora did what he’d asked and soon Remus was lying on their bed, warm under the blankets, and sipping his healing potion.

Once Dora had taken back the empty goblet and placed it on the bedside table, she sat down on the bed and took Remus’s hand in hers. Remus knew this time he wouldn’t be able to deter her, so he simply looked at her while she spoke.

“I would never ask you to stay away from Sirius for good, you know that. I won’t deny that there are times when I want to, but I love you too much to go through with it. I love Sirius too, though I’d frequently like to stick a wand up his arse,” Dora said, and Remus chuckled. “I knew when he came back that I would have to share you with him in a way but… Remus, sweetheart, I don’t think I can keep going like this anymore.”

“What.. uhm… What do you mean?” Remus asked, uncertain.

“You and Sirius… You see each other quite often, almost every other day, and while I don’t want you to stop visiting him altogether, I would like for you to cut back on the amount of time you spend with him. It’s not unreasonable, is it? To want you to spend more time with me, and with Teddy?” Dora asked, distressed.

Remus couldn’t do anything but admit that no, it wasn’t an unreasonable request, and she had every right to ask that of him. The problem was that Remus didn’t actually think that the time he spent with Sirius was enough, let alone too much; he felt like he’d made compromises already to put his family first, but of course, now that he heard it from his wife’s mouth, he saw how he’d been wrong. Still, the mere thought of not being able to see Sirius every time he wanted made him feel like puking… or maybe it was a side effect of the healing potion, Remus mused, darkly.

“It’s not… uhm… unreasonable, no. I… I’m sorry you feel that I’m neglecting you…” Remus muttered.

“No, it’s… it’s not that. You’re an amazing father, a good husband, Remus, don’t ever think otherwise. I love you, and I know you love us too. Sirius isn’t going anywhere, I know that and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but it’s not easy for me to see you with him when I know how you feel about him… I’m sorry if…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Dora,” Remus reassured her. “You have every right to feel like you do, and I promise you I’ll do as you ask. I will… uh… moderate my time with Sirius…”

“Thank you,” Dora said, but her expression didn’t clear. “I appreciate your promise and I know you’ll keep it. However, there’s something else and I hate to ask this but I can’t stop myself. Would you consider… uhm… Well, I mean the wolfsbane already helps a lot, and you’ve been coping during the Full without Sirius for a long time, so uhm… Could you ask Sirius not to spend the night of the full moon here anymore?”

Remus had expected something to that effect ever since he’d looked into her wife’s eyes down in the cellar while she took in the scene of her naked husband cuddling and rubbing against her cousin. Yet, when the request came, it shook him to the core. 

No. Remus couldn’t ask Sirius not to be with him during the full moon. It was unthinkable, it was cruel, it was simply impossible. No. Absolutely not. He would not do it. It was true that he had survived the transformation alone for years, before and after the wolfsbane, but when he could choose, when he had the option, he never even thought to do it without Padfoot by his side. How could Dora ask that of him?

His distress must have clearly shown on his face, Remus understood, because Dora didn’t wait for his answer and spoke again.

“I hate to ask this, sweetheart, I do. I’m grateful beyond belief to Sirius for keeping the wolf calmer and aiding the effects of the wolfsbane. Believe me, I’m so relieved when I come downstairs and find you mostly unharmed,” she pleaded.

“Then why.. How…” Remus whispered.

“Because this morning wasn’t the first time I caught a glimpse of how the two of you behave after your ordeal is over. The closeness, the way you flinch whenever Sirius leaves your side, and the way he keeps as close as possible to you even when I’m the one helping you upstairs. The look in your eyes, Remus, you… I can’t… and then today, how you held him, how you… Please, can’t you see how…”

Remus could, of course he saw how terrible it was for Dora to be faced with the evidence of the bond between her husband and her cousin. The mere fact that she hadn’t said anything before, that she’d tried to accept it for his sake, felt like a stab wound to Remus. He realised clearly how selfish he’d been until then. He’d behaved badly and not just with Dora, his wife forced to stand by while Remus clung to Sirius for dear life, resistance lost in the aftermath of the Full; he’d been unfair to Sirius too because once a month he’d allowed him as close as he wanted him, as close as he’d always been in the past, only to go back to treating him like a simple friend the rest of the time.

In the end, it didn’t matter that the last thing that Remus wanted was to banish Sirius from his and the wolf’s side, he needed to do right by the two people he loved and stop being selfish. And so that morning, Remus held his wife close, cried silently on her shoulder, apologized… and promised.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

Wiping away his tears, Remus accepted Andromeda’s hug and her offer to refresh his tea. He welcomed the chance to stop reminiscing for a while, and sat there watching his mother in law pick the kettle up and fill both their mugs again.

“Just tea, dear?” Andromeda asked. “Only, I could make us some soup for dinner if you’re hungry. Or I have some leftover roast beef and could do sandwiches?”

Remus wasn’t exactly hungry, but he knew he hadn’t eaten much at all that day and thought a bit of sustenance could only do him good. “I’ll take a sandwich, if you feel like making one,” he answered, and Andromeda quickly busied herself with their food.

Halfway through their dinner, Andromeda picked up the conversation again and asked about Sirius, and how he’d reacted once Remus had told him about Dora’s request.

*

**_Yesterday_ **

_January 1999_

“No! Absolutely not! Merlin’s tits, what is wrong with your wife? Doesn’t she care that you could get hurt? That you could die??” 

Remus sighed, “I would hardly die without Padfoot, Sirius. Haven’t I proven that already countless times in the past?” 

The flash of guilt and pain in Sirius’s eyes cut through Remus, but he knew he needed to stay strong and not give way to Sirius’s protests.

“Moony…”

“Sirius, there’s nothing to discuss. Dora asked, and I agreed. It’s better this way, actually…”

“What the bloody hell do you mean ‘it’s better this way’? Better for whom? Not me! And certainly not you! Better for your wife, that’s who, but she doesn’t have any right…”

“Doesn’t she?” Remus snapped, too tired to argue but left with no choice. “She has every right to go down in the cellar of her own house and not find her husband practically humping another man! Merlin, Sirius, what would you do? If the situation was reversed, if Dora was the Animagus and you had to find me naked and cuddling her once a month… What would you do?”

Remus watched Sirius open and close his mouth a few times, and he knew his words had hit home.

“She’s my wife, and I want things to work with her. Teddy and Dora… they’re my world,” Remus said, regretting his words but feeling the truth in them nonetheless. Not the whole truth, obviously, but the rest couldn’t be said out loud. “You’re part of that world too, Pads, please… you know you are… but Dora…”

Sirius turned his back to Remus and raised a hand. “Enough, Remus. Enough,” he said, and the despair in his voice was very nearly Remus’s undoing. “No more Padfoot at the Full, I understand.”

Terrified of being unable to stop himself from grabbing Sirius, apologize, and never let him go again, Remus simply thanked him, said his goodbyes, and left.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

“There was really no winning that fight, was there?” Andromeda said. “I understand how my daughter felt and I know she wouldn’t have asked you to be alone during the Full if she hadn’t been at her wit’s end. And of course, I can only imagine how hurt Sirius must have been to be deprived of the one way he still had to be useful to you, to be close.”

Remus nodded, closing his eyes against the tears.

“Everyone lost, eh? You most of all, Remus,” Andromeda whispered, softly. “Especially since that was the moment you started seeing less and less of Sirius, isn’t that right?”

“After a while,” Remus answered, “I found I couldn’t face the disappointment in Sirius’s eyes, or the silent reproach in Harry’s, so my visits to him became few and far between. Then Sirius started working for the Ministry, and Kingsley kept his promise to me and I also got more work sent my way, so the chances of seeing him socially became scarcer and scarcer.”

“I know that’s not what Nymphadora had in mind when she asked you to spend more time at home, but…”

“But in the end that’s what happened. I pushed Sirius away and he closed himself off to me,” Remus said, miserably.

“Now, that’s not true, Remus. Yes, Sirius didn’t think he could involve you after the accident with the sodding vase, but I know he readily accepted to spend last month’s Full with you after Nymphadora asked. That blasted Super Blood Wolf Moon always kills many unprepared werewolves, and I shudder to think what could have happened to you, even with the wolfsbane, if Sirius hadn’t been there to keep the wolf company! So you see… He most definitely didn’t shut you out.”

Andromeda spoke the truth, Dora had gone pleading to Sirius to spend the night in the cellar with Remus, scared out of her mind with reports of the last time the phenomenon of a Super Blood Wolf Moon had appeared in the sky, and Remus had gone downstairs that night to find Padfoot already there. 

But things had been so very different…

*

**_Yesterday_ **

_January 2000_

Supported by his wife, Remus stumbled inside the cellar, his body already hurting past the point of endurance, and his mind filled with dread at what the Super Moon could do to him. Dora had made sure he had his doses of wolfsbane, and many a healer had reassured them that the potion would work and keep Remus as safe as he could be, but Remus’s bones had gone through this ordeal for so many years now and there was no telling what could happen to him during this rare event.

At first he’d thought his eyes were deceiving him, or maybe he’d gone mad with fear and pain, because what Remus was seeing was impossible: Padfoot could not be sitting there near the pallet, quietly blinking up at Remus.

“Wha… ah… Padfoot? How…”

“I asked him, sweetheart,” Dora said, “I went to Sirius and asked him to join you for the night. Anything… Anything at all to make you safe.”

Remus held her tight. “I don’t know what…” he tried to say, but Dora shushed him.

“No need for words, just… be safe, please.” Dora begged, then turned and nodded at the dog before leaving them alone.

“Hey… uh… Pads,” Remus muttered, and Padfoot trotted close to him to rub his head against Remus’s leg. Kneeling down, Remus held on to the dog and thanked him over and over, until his voice changed and he was screaming in agony.

When he was himself again, Remus kept as still as possible mentally taking stock of his injuries… and was shocked to find he had none. The wolf had to have been incredibly gentle with him the previous night, and with the Super Moon that was akin to a miracle. Despite the fact that the wolfsbane allowed him to retain most of his conscious mind, Remus was never left with more than a few impressions of his time as a wolf, and everything he was able to recall that morning was snuggling up to Padfoot and letting the dog comfort him and soothe the wolf.

Padfoot… Remus startled when he realised that a sheet was on him and that he couldn’t feel the dog’s body against his own, so he forced his eyes open.

Sirius sat in the farthest corner of the cellar, unable to leave until Dora came downstairs and removed the wards from the room, but apparently unwilling to sit close to Remus. 

“Si… uhm…Sirius… are you… okay? Did I hurt you?” Remus croaked.

“No, I’m fine. Wolf was just a tad agitated but it didn’t look like it wanted to fight. It wanted Padfoot to stay close and bit him gently whenever Padfoot moved, but no broken skin, and no wounds. I’m okay,” Sirius explained, his voice monotone.

“Good, I… uh… Thank you, I’m glad. But why… why are you all the way over there?” Remus didn’t want to hear the answer, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“Didn’t want your wife to come downstairs this morning and decide she would feel better if I left the Country after all, did I? Would hate to have to relocate to France,” Sirius said sarcastically, but his eyes told a different story, and Remus had to close his own not to face them.

Suddenly the door opened, and Dora rushed in. “Merlin, Remus! Are you okay?” She asked, worried, and Remus opened his eyes once more to reassure her, drinking in her relief and joy at finding him unharmed.

Dora helped him up, threw a robe around his shoulders, and offered him a healing potion immediately. Only after she was satisfied that he wouldn’t keel over, she helped him stand, and it was then that Remus realised that Sirius had left without a word.

*

**_Today_ **

_February 2000_

“Yes, he… Sirius was with me last month, and I’m sure he’s the reason why I went through the event basically unscathed. But, uhm… no. I… ‘s nothing,” Remus shook his head.

“Not nothing, is it?” Andromeda asked. “Come on, Remus, say what you want to say.”

“Did you ever wonder exactly why Padfoot is the only one who’s able to keep the wolf sane even while locked in a small space? It amazes me how no one ever thinks to question it. Yes, the wolf knows Padfoot, but how come no one ever asks why, when the wolf is feeling trapped, when it wants out or else, it never once throws itself against Padfoot and tears him apart?” Remus asked, and he could see Andromeda’s eyes widening.

“You’re right, I… Why is that, Remus?”

“Think about it from your point of view, as a woman: If you were to be shut in a small space for an entire night, scared and angry, what is the only thing that could keep you calm, that could make you feel less alone?” Remus asked.

“Ted,” Andromeda answered, without hesitation. “If I could be locked in with my husband, bless his soul, I wouldn’t be frightened.”

Remus nodded, “You would want your husband, yes. The wolf… The wolf just wants its mate.”

Andromeda sucked in a breath. “I didn’t… I never… Sirius never said…”

“He wouldn’t, we never told anyone. Well, James and Lily knew; bloody Peter, too. No one else. No need to give Death Eaters more ammunition during the War by making it plain to the world, and then afterwards… Azkaban and, well you know the rest. But it’s true, the wolf claimed Padfoot as his own almost from the first time they met; James remarked on it quite often when we were still at Hogwarts, and when he asked for an explanation as to why the wolf seemed to want to spend at least part of the night rubbing against Padfoot, and usually kept glued to his side… That’s when I understood it too.”

“All this time…” Andromeda whispered. “You bound Sirius to you as tightly as you could, in every incarnation, didn’t you?”

“I did. Then last month the wolf got to have its mate back, and the morning after… I didn’t even have my friend with me. I can’t… This can’t go on, Andromeda, I know it now. I love Dora, I know I always will. She’s my saviour, she’s the mother of my child, she’s my best friend. But Sirius… He’s my mate. He’s mine and I can’t keep denying it. I can’t, I _won’t_ be without him anymore. Please,” Remus murmured. “Please, don’t hate me… Please, tell me Dora won’t, either…”

“Of course I don’t hate you, Remus,” Andromeda promised. “Honestly, I’ve been waiting for this to happen for months now. Nymphadora too,” she finished, and Remus looked at her in shock. 

“What?”

“My daughter is many things, but she’s not clueless, and she could never lie to herself. She’s seen what being away from Sirius has done to you, and she told me she tried to find a way to pull the two of you closer once more without having to go back to bite her tongue whenever she felt like Sirius was crossing a line. She hasn’t been able to do that, and just the other day she was telling me how lately she feels like she’s just standing in your way. She loves you, Remus, with all her heart, but she’s not blind to the fact that the two of you haven’t been happy in a long time. You’re surviving, aren’t you?” Andromeda asked, and Remus nodded.

“Dora deserves better… She…”

“You too, Remus. You both deserve better than this. Stop surviving and start living! Stop pretending you’re not waiting for something to happen and make it happen yourself. If you’re worried about Teddy, like I know Nymphadora is, you can stop right now. Your son could only be truly happy if his parents are, too!”

Wave after wave of relief passed through Remus, and he felt like he was breathing again after an eternity under water. He went to speak, but just then Dora flooed in the house with Teddy.

“Wotcher,” she greeted, and laughed as Teddy ran towards Remus shouting, “Daddy!” at the top of his lungs.

Remus hugged his son close. “Hey, sprog. Had a good time today?” Remus kept one ear to Teddy’s ramblings, his two years old vocabulary not enough to make his story coherent, and looked at Dora. Whatever she read on his face had his wife close her eyes and take a deep breath, but when she looked at him again, Remus could see a small smile on her face, and he returned it.

“So listen, Teddy,” Remus told his son. “Would you like to spend the night here with Nana?”

Andromeda laughed at Teddy’s enthusiastic reply, and took him in her arms. “So, I get to keep you all to myself, little one, eh? Whatever shall I do with you…” 

She playfully bit Teddy’s arm making him shriek, an adorable tiny pig’s snout forming on his face. Then, after glancing at her daughter and receiving a nod, Andromeda left the room.

“Can we talk?” Remus asked.

“I think we’d better.”

*

_**Tomorrow** _

_February 2000 – One Day Later_

The morning found Remus standing in the kitchen, mug in hand, while his soon-to-be-ex-wife prepared their breakfast. In the past two years, whenever Remus’s shields were down and he couldn’t help but examine his situation and honestly think about the future of his marriage, nothing he’d imagined could come close to how things actually worked out when he and Dora sat down and talked.

In their house the previous night, back from Andromeda’s, Remus was hopeful but still scared about having to discuss with his wife everything he’d shared with her mother, so when Dora asked to be the first one to talk, Remus was more than happy to acquiesce.

“I don’t know when I became this person, you know? Someone who sees things clearly, knows that there’s a problem, that no one’s truly happy, yet pretends nothing’s wrong and keeps on clinging to something that will never be fully hers,” Dora said, and Remus hated to hear the sadness in her voice.

“Dora, no. Please, don’t blame yourself. Or if you need to, then blame me, too; blame me the most. It’s my fault that…”

“Remus,” Dora interrupted him. “Let’s not start the blame game, eh? Your fault, my fault… Sirius’s fault. That’s neither here nor there at this point. We’ll share the blame and be content, agreed? Good, so back to what I was saying… I don’t like that person, I never want to be like that again!”

Remus smiled when his wife’s hair, that recently had only changed through different shades of brown, suddenly shone bright red before fizzling a second later to a light purple, and he couldn’t resist taking a lock between his fingers.

“Missed that…” Remus whispered, and Dora winked.

“You see my point, then. Honestly, the clingy housewife who glares at everyone who looks at her husband twice, puts on a smile, and bakes cakes while her house is falling down around her… Does that sound anything like me?” 

“Last time you tried to bake anything we had to cast an _Aguamenti_ on the kitchen,” Remus joked. “And housewife? Weird description for an Auror, really. But, yeah, I concede the point…”

“Oh shut it, you,” Dora chuckled. “I’m trying to build a picture here, so what if I take some liberties? Pish posh, Remus, who knew you always had to be so literal.”

“You do know that you using ‘pish posh’ in normal conversation is the reason why our son repeats the word _‘pipoh’_ like a mantra? And when he does people look at us like he just jinxed them?” Remus wittily remarked, and Dora laughed.

“Maybe that’s what he’s doing, who knows? Bloody genius, our son.” Dora quipped, before sobering up again. “In all fairness, Remus, I’ve been trying my hardest to ignore the signs, even when they were so glaring you wouldn’t need to cast a _Lumos_ to look at them in the dark. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want _you_ to do that anymore, either. We’re looking right at the problem, and we’re finding a solution. Right now,” Dora declared, and Remus felt overwhelmed with how much he loved this woman.

“Let’s do that,” Remus said, and Dora took a deep breath.

“Right, so, Sirius.” She started, straight to the point. “When he got hurt… No, wait, before that. When I came down in the cellar that morning and saw you humping him…”

“I wasn’t exactly…” Remus tried, but Dora talked over him.

“Humping him. Let’s call a dog a dog, eh? Pun so totally intended. Anyway, I… Oh, shut up, don’t laugh I’m trying to talk here!” Dora hit him, and Remus struggled to sober up. “I think the reason why I was so determined to keep you away from Sirius as much as possible, without explicitly forbidding you from ever speaking his name, was that… I knew. Already that morning I knew… that I’d lost you. And I…”

“You didn’t lose me, Dora, you never will… I’m… I love you, I do, and I never wanted to hurt you or abandon you. Never! I…” Remus pleaded.

“I know. Hey, no, I know,” Dora comforted him. “But if I’d been honest with myself, and with you, I’d have talked to you then like I’m doing now. I shouldn’t have morphed into a koala and clung to you for dear life. I should have sat you down and asked you what you wanted… Told you what _I_ wanted and needed. And we would have found a solution back then. I could have saved you, us, a lot of pain if I just…”

“If you had,” Remus said. “Back then, that morning, if you did what you say you should have… Nothing would have changed. I wouldn’t have listened, I’d have been the one to cling and I’d have refused to admit there was a problem. You see, you’re not the only one who tried to ignore the situation. I wanted to try, for our family, for our son, for us, and I wasn’t ready to give up. I wouldn’t have listened…”

Dora nodded, “Let’s make sure we listen now, eh?” She said, and Remus smiled at her. “I realised, mere minutes after I made that stupid request, that asking you to spend less time with Sirius and even foolishly insisting that he be banished from the cellar the nights of the full moon, had been quite the mistake. I hurt everyone that morning, myself included, and I’ve been trying to find a way to take it back while still keeping our marriage intact ever since. I never meant for you to keep away from Sirius, I hope you know that.”

“Of course, love,” Remus reassured. “I know.”

“Good, that’s… good. Watching you struggle, seeing how Sirius avoided looking at you if I was there, too, and knowing I couldn’t fix it no matter how much I wanted to because it would mean giving you up… Merlin, Remus, I bloody well thought I’d go mad! And then Sirius was hurt, and no one told us… Told you. At the Burrow’s that day, after Molly finished crying and Ginny had to apologize over and over for the way she spoke to her, I saw the way you had to forcefully stop yourself from disapparating right there and then and go to Sirius. I wanted to tell you to go, but I also wasn’t ready for what would inevitably happen if you did.”

Dora stopped for breath for a second, and Remus took her hand in his. 

“You know, that was quite a scene. Molly bawling after Ginny called her out on the way she treats Sirius, Arthur trying everything to comfort her while their daughter apologized… and the absolutely hilarious dumbstruck expression on Ron’s face! Just another night at the Burrow’s…” Remus said, trying to defuse the tension, and was glad when Dora laughed.

“The Weasleys. Never a dull moment with them, is there?” Dora joked. “Honestly, though, I wanted to thank you for still doing everything in your power to keep your promise even when you wanted nothing other than to run to Sirius.”

“Well, I… Dora, don’t paint me as such a saint here, okay? I didn’t go immediately because I’d promised, yes, but also… He didn’t want to see me, he didn’t want me there, and I was too cowardly to go anyway and brave his distance. Also, I thought Harry might hex me…” Remus said, trying for a joke at the end.

“Yes, he did sort of look like he might do, didn’t he? But Remus, you know it’s all bollocks, don’t you? Of course Sirius bloody wanted you there! Knowing him, he was just waiting for someone to spill the beans and have you run to see him. Don’t pull that face, you know I’m right! Still, I’m not… I don’t mean to imply he wasn’t hurting, and that telling Harry not to call you at his bedside straight away didn’t cost him. He was, and still is, trying to keep his distance and let us be, I have to give Sirius that. But you didn’t see his face when I asked, begged him to be with you when that bloody Super Moon almost drove me insane with worry!”

Remus had never known the details of that particular conversation, and listened intently now hoping Dora decided to finally share some.

“I say I begged him but in fairness I didn’t have to do more than say the words ‘Super Moon’ and he was already on his feet ready to be locked in the cellar. He even thanked me, you know? When I was about to leave his house, he thanked me for allowing him to stay with you and I don’t think I ever hated myself more in my entire life. I went back to him and hugged him, and while he held me I realised how much I’d missed him too. Bloody Sirius… Nothing he does can ever make one stop loving him, how’s that?”

Remus wiped the tears from his eyes, “If you’re waiting for me to answer that particular question, I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you,” he replied, shakily.

“That’s what I thought,” Dora joked. “Okay, here goes,” she continued, and Remus could clearly see her steel herself. “You love Sirius and he loves you. I know you love me too but it’s not the same. It’s not news, Remus, you told me that before we even started dating! I’ve known that all along, and now I’m finally accepting it. So, now… What are we doing about it?”

“You and Teddy…” Remus started, but Dora blocked him raising her hand.

“No, none of that. Teddy is your son, you will always be a fundamental part of his life, no matter what. That is not in question,” she said.

Remus sighed, relieved. “And you? Will I be allowed to still be a fundamental part in your life, too?”

“You want that?”

“More than anything,” Remus said, solemnly. “I know we can’t go on like we’ve been, but I can’t think of losing you. You own a part of me, and you’ve given me the most amazing miracle I could ever hope for. If you can’t be my wife anymore, please say you’ll still be my friend… My best friend.”

Dora released the breath she’d been visibly holding, and threw herself in Remus’s arms. 

They kept talking all night long, laughing and crying and holding one another; and now, sitting at the table together eating eggs and beans on toast, Remus serenely smiled at Dora and admired the lovely shade of blue in her hair.

*

Taking the liberty of apparating right inside Sirius’s and Harry’s house, Remus was alarmed when he heard the distinct sound of a wand duel coming from the library. His own wand in hand, Remus ran towards the room and stopped in shock.

A duel was indeed taking place in the library, but Sirius and Harry were the ones dueling. Books were flying around, fragments of wood were covering every surface, and a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans exploded close to Remus when the light from Harry’s wand hit it, making candies rain everywhere.

“What the bloody hell is going on?” Remus shouted, and the others jumped and turned to look at him, surprised.

“Remus!” Sirius exclaimed. “It’s not what it looks like!”

“Isn’t it? Because it looks like the two of you are practicing dueling inside the house!” Remus threw back.

“Oh! What do you know, Harry. It’s exactly how it looks!” Sirius said, and Harry laughed.

“Apparently so. And I won,” Harry replied.

“No, you didn’t! We were interrupted! Rudely, I’d say,” Sirius said, looking pointedly at Remus.

“Yes, sorry about that. But I’m sure your furniture at least is glad about the interruption.”

Sirius waved a hand around like the mere thought of furniture breaking was below him. 

“Was there something you needed?” Harry asked Remus.

“Would you like to spar, too?” Sirius offered before Remus could answer. “Come on, Remus! Let’s destroy things!”

“Ah, no, thank you, Padfoot. I’m good. And to answer your question, Harry, I would like a moment alone with Sirius, if you don’t mind.” Remus replied.

Harry hesitated, looking back and forth between Remus and Sirius. “Well…” he started.

“You go, Harry,” Sirius interjected. “I’m sure Ron won’t mind if you pop by early.”

Remus threw a reassuring smile at Harry and watched him as he nodded at Sirius, and then left.

“Alright, out with it. What did I do now?” Sirius asked, as soon as Harry was out of the house.

“I don’t only come here to berate you, do I?” Remus offered.

“Yeah, well, you don’t come here often but when you do… It’s even odds, mate.”

“Sirius…” Remus said, crestfallen.

“Look, let’s sit down, okay?” Sirius said, looking around to find a place to sit that wasn’t covered in debris. “Only... we might need to relocate.”

“You think?” Remus laughed, despite himself. “Or you could tidy up, you know?”

“Nope. I just close the door and sooner or later things get fixed.”

“You mean Harry sees to it, right?” Remus chided.

“Better not to investigate. I wait a bit and the room is tidy again: it’s a system. One could even say it’s _magic_ ,” Sirius quipped, the last word but a whisper, and Remus shook his head and followed him out of the room.

Weirdly enough, Remus found himself in yet another kitchen that day, holding yet another mug of tea. The Universe was definitely having a laugh lately.

“Said you needed to talk?” Sirius asked.

“Yes. Will you please just listen?” Remus waited for Sirius to nod before continuing. “Right so, when you died… Yes, yes, I know you didn’t die but you were still dead, Sirius! For two bloody years! Okay, sorry, I just… When you got trapped in the Veil,” Remus tried again, “something broke inside me. The one thing that stopped me from following you right there and then was Harry, and he was also the reason why I held on afterwards. I wasn’t living, though, I was just waiting until I could finally die. And be with you…”

“Moony…” Sirius said, pained.

“Pads, please, just listen. This is long overdue and I need you to hear it. Dora, she… She made me want to live again, she _gave_ me a life. She took a broken man in and gave him strength, and kindness, and love. Yet, I was still waiting to die, that hadn’t changed… I’d just been lucky enough to be offered happiness beforehand, instead of drowning in despair. But I would die, for Harry, because of the war, for any reason, it didn’t even matter which: I would be dead soon, and with you. That I was still alive when you returned is as surprising as you not being dead.”

Remus stopped to take a sip of his tea, trying to bite back the tears he could feel in his eyes. Sirius was looking at him, silent and pained, and Remus wanted to get up and take him in his arms, but he knew there were still things to be said before that could happen.

“Then suddenly you were back, and I wanted to grab you, hold you, cast a binding spell so you would never leave my side again. Yet, I couldn’t… How could I do that to Dora, my saviour, my rock, my wife and the mother of my child? How, Sirius? I bollocksed everything up so badly trying to keep everyone close, juggling Dora and Teddy with one hand and holding onto you with the other. Something had to give, a choice needed to be made, and…”

“And you chose Tonks,” Sirius said. “There’s no need for you to explain, Remus. I got that part.”

“Will you just let me finish, you git?” Remus yelled. “Blimey, Sirius, can’t you wait one minute?”

“Can’t _I_ wait, you ask? What do you think I’ve been doing all this time, uh? Merlin’s left bollock, Remus, all I did was sit here and accept the crumbs you saw fit to throw at me!”

“I’ve been nothing _but_ crumbs, Sirius, don’t you get that? I haven’t been able to offer anyone anything because I refused to make a choice and I let Dora take all the blame! Yes, she asked me to limit my time with you, but she never said I had to stop seeing you altogether! I did that! Me! I couldn’t be with you as much as I wanted, and I felt like someone was ripping me apart every time I left you, so I came here less and less. And the Full… I…” Remus struggled to find the words, and Sirius spoke again.

“No, I… I could see how that… I hate not being allowed to stay with you, and the wolf, but when you explained why, and you asked me to imagine what I would have done in Tonks’s place… Yeah, I got that.” Sirius said.

“Do you know she told me she regrets asking that? Yeah, that was my reaction too,” Remus said, looking into Sirius’s s baffled eyes. “She’s been trying to find a way to take that back, Dora has. And I think last month’s Full might have been the answer she was looking for… Padfoot with the wolf, and you as far away from me as possible the next morning. But I would rather be alone than live through that again,” Remus said.

“Me, too,” Sirius whispered.

“To be fair, though, what happened finally gave me a kick in the arse. It took a while to be brave enough to accept what needed to be done and talk about it, but I did it. I’ve done it now and… Sirius, Dora and I… We’re separating,” Remus said, and jumped when Sirius dropped his, thankfully empty, mug.

“You… Did you just… Moony?” Sirius called, and Remus didn’t have it in him to fight the urge to embrace him anymore. He got up, pulled Sirius to him, and clutched at him tightly.

“I’m sorry, Pads, I’m so sorry. I had to try, I had to… Dora, I love her so much, and I didn’t want to hurt her.” Remus whispered in the skin of Sirius’s neck where he’d buried his face. “And Teddy… I… But we talked now, Dora and I, and that’s all fixed. She’s so important to me, so special, but you… Sirius, you are _everything_. You’re mine, you’re my heart and my soul… My _mate_. I don’t make sense without you, I just wither, and I can’t be kept from you anymore. Please, please, will you have me? Can I come back?” Remus pleaded, and felt Sirius’s arms tighten around him.

“Come back?” Sirius asked, voice heavy with tears. “Moony. You never left.”

Dizzy with relief and finally happy, Remus kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know... I didn't plan to stop here but the story felt so complete to me when I wrote that last line and I just had to leave it as I did. However, fear not! A porn-y Epilogue has already been written and it is now in the hands of my Beta. Easter Holidays and RL are getting in the way but I promise I'll post the Epilogue as soon as I have it back.
> 
> There might also be snapshots added to this series (I guess it is a series now!) and maybe even a companion piece from Sirius's POV if the mood strikes. Never say never, am I right?
> 
> For now let me just wish a Happy Easter to everyone celebrating, and a wondeful long weekend to everyone else :)


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